Will I Ever Feel Able to Celebrate?

So, unless you live under a rock, it can't have escaped your notice that today is Mothering Sunday/Mother's Day or whatever term you choose.  The day for celebrating the women who brought us up.  If you are a Mother yourself, you are also celebrated.

However, what happens when your mum has died?

Regular readers will know that my own mum passed away just before I met my husband, several years before I became a mum myself.  She was a fantastic woman and an awesome mum.  Although not without her own demons, she really did give her whole self to her children.

In the years that followed, Mother's Day became a time for myself and my siblings to get together and share memories of mum, as the years have gone on this has become particularly important for my youngest sister, who was just 8 years old when mum died.  We also took the opportunity to try to ensure auntie knows how much we appreciate her, having become a "second mum" sort of figure, particularly for us girls!

I, perhaps naively, assumed that Mother's Day would be easier once I had a child of my own and became a mum myself.

As my first Mother's Day approached in 2011, I asked my husband to just let it pass.  I didn't want it to start being about me, it had never been about me and I didn't want to start now.  However, my husband ignored this and got me a card and a small bunch of flowers.  After several years of muddling my way through it, 2011 then became the hardest year after the first.  I was once again stunned by my grief, upset and angry that my mum would have been an awesome nanny to H, she would have adored him and I am quite certain she would have sneakily got her own key cut to our place!

My wonderful Mum.
My wonderful Mum.

This year, my youngest sister was tied up in GCSE Drama rehearsals all day so my other sister and I decided to take a day trip back to Bournemouth to spend some time with our brother and visit mum's grave.

For me, the tears started as soon as I woke up and opened my card from my incredibly thoughtful auntie.  The message inside read "Just wanted to take the opportunity to tell you what a wonderful mother you are to H. Your mum would have been so proud of you both!"  I often wonder if I am the only parent who can never truly believe in myself, who frequently feels like my son deserves someone better to be his mum.  This morning, after reading that, was the first time in a long time that I have believed it.  I wondered if perhaps it is all the uncertainty of the last few months which has led me to think that way so much.

As ever, my sister and her partner arrived 15 minutes early and we set off for Bournemouth dead on 9am as planned.  Had it been down to my husband and I, we most likely would have been running late!

On arriving in Bournemouth, we stopped at our youngest sister's dad's for coffee (me) and tea (everyone else) and arranged to meet my brother at the cemetery   I held it together for all of about 15 minutes before taking myself to the nearby tree to hide for a sob.  The husband and H came over and gave me a hug and I let out a sort of wail.  I didn't understand why it was suddenly so hard again.  Being my third Mother's Day as a mum myself, surely I should have got used to it by now?  Perhaps it is because H is too young to know?  I don't need to keep up a front of happiness just yet.

I have had several more bouts of tears, each time with the husband giving me a cuddle.  The irony?  He lost his own mum shortly before we got married.  OK he didn't have a close relationship but after several years of no contact (certainly none in the years we had been a couple) they had very recently got back in touch and she was considering attending our wedding blessing.  Yet every year he has comforted me, not once has he shed a tear for his mum.  Every year I have been too wrapped up in my own sadness to even ask him.

Do I feel guilty?  Of course I do.  Yet I know him well enough to know that even if I did ask him how he was feeling, if he was thinking of his own mum, he would answer that he is fine, that he just wants be here for me.

Two weeks time marks my mum's birthday.  At the end of April, it will have been nine years since my her death.  H turns 3 in May.  So, I ask you, my loyal readers, will I ever get to the point where I can let go?  Will I ever be able to celebrate Mother's Day for me?  Let a fuss be made for me as a mum?  At this moment in time, I simply cannot ever see it happening.

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19 thoughts on “Will I Ever Feel Able to Celebrate?

  1. Bless you, you must have had such a wonderful and close relationship with your mother. It is good to remember her on an occasion like this, grief is a strange thing, it just comes up and bites. I hope you had some happy family time today as well.
    Coombemill recently posted..Mother's Day FearsMy Profile

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      Yes, it was nice to spend the day with some of my family still. I'd forgotten how tiring a day trip can be though!

      Reply
  2. I have difficulties with my Mum from time to time but I really can't imagine being without her. I can't imagine the pain of being without her. I think, with time, it will get easier for you. When H is able to write his own cards and bring you his handmade presents you will feel the immediacy of his love for you as his Mummy, rather than your partner buying you a present on his behalf. You won't forget your Mum but the pain might become more bitter sweet maybe.

    So sorry for your loss xx
    Red Rose Mummy recently posted..Considering New CarsMy Profile

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      This is what I think, once he knows what Mother's Day is perhaps I will feel able to celebrate but right now he still doesn't. I think as well, as a friend pointed out, I have had so much on my plate in recent months that, even though I do have a brilliant support in my family, it's probably only natural I feel I need my mum.

      Thank you. xx

      Reply
  3. sarah

    I can so relate to your post. I lost my Mum in 2001. My youngest sister was 24 years old and had just lost her 20 month old daughter to liver disease two week earlier. It was a very very tough time for us as a family but we pulled together and as a unit became stronger. However, each Mothering Sunday always proves a little difficult but we celebrate with our children and always remember our own Mum. My day always starts with tears too as I am sure my siblings do but we know how proud our Mum would have been of all our achievements and how as a family we are always there for each other come what may. We also honour each other as being a Mum and collectively look up at the stars and know we are being watched and guided in our own lives.

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  4. Oh gosh this is so sad, I welled up reading your beautifully constructed words. Your mum was obviously so special and I cannot ever imagine having to face Mother's Day in your shoes. Sorry to hear that your day was so hard. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband x
    suzanne recently posted..Post Mother's Day Thoughts...My Profile

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      She was a very special woman. It's such a mixture of emotions that I haven't really expressed yet. Maybe one day. Xx

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    2. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      She was a very special woman. It's such a mixture of emotions that I haven't really expressed yet. Maybe one day. Xx

      Reply
  5. I am blessed that I haven't had to go through this yet. Must be very hard. My OH lost his mum at the end of January, and this Mother's Day was filled with regret of ow he wished he had bought her more flowers etc. That combined with a house of sick people meant Mother's Day was very low key this year in our house.
    I think the thing is that you are so sad because you had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful mum, focus on the good when you can, and cry when you need to. Xxx
    Sonya Cisco recently posted..All Aboard the Number TrainMy Profile

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      Regret is another emotion I feel. Yes I did mostly have a good relationship with her but being 21 when she died, I'd gone through a rebellious stage too and things were a little strained at times. Then there is seeing my sisters grow into wonderful young women and she missed on that, they missed having her at various points. I hope your husband is OK. Xx

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  6. Rachel Williams

    Ah Rach, I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I'm not particularly close to my mum but I can't imagine being without her.

    I think in years to come, when H is bringing you flowers and breakfast in bed. When you're opening the gorgeous homemade card he had lovingly crafted, the day will be a bit more about you and your role as a mother. Try to spend the day remembering the good times with your mum celebrating bring a mum yourself.

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  7. It's hard isn't it. My mom has been gone for 14 years this year, which is half my little brother's life. I am so lucky in that my husband and boys do their best to spoil me, but that in fact I ended up sleeping much of the day away (which I do when I'm depressed or can't handle things). I do hope you are right and that there's a possibility it will get easier and there will be a day when we can enjoy the day for ourselves.

    Hope you don't mind me sharing this - it's meant as you are not alone.

    (((hugs)))
    Pinkoddy recently posted..Making Sacrifices – Siblings of Special Needs ChildrenMy Profile

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  8. Bless you sweetie. I can't really offer you any words of wisdom but I do know that you are a wonderful mother and I sincerely hope that you can one day find a way for your grief for your Mum to co-exist happily or at least peacefully with the knowledge that you have her to thank for that. You celebrate your Mother every day by showing her all that you have become and all that you are raising H to be. I will not say "She would be proud". I will say with absolute confidence "She IS proud". Wherever she is, her heart must be bursting with pride at her daughter and grandson and (at risk of getting into saying something generic) she really would want you to acknowledge what you have achieved as a Mum and celebrate that. She knows she has not been forgotten. xxx

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      Sara you always know what to say to put a smile on my face (and make me cry!). Thank you. Xx

      Reply
  9. I hope you find a balance for Mother's Days in the future, it's easy to think of it as only 'a day' but it's everywhere you look isn't it - it's hard to hide from it. Maybe something simple like asking you other half and kids to buy you a rose bush or plant each year that you can grow and then sit and admire when in full bloom and remember your mum might work. That way it's about letting them show they can love you whilst taking time to think of her x
    Mammasaurus recently posted..Happy Birthday to MeMy Profile

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  10. Karen

    I was so moved with memories reading this. All I can say is I know she loved you all dearly and would not want you to be sad. She would want you to celebrate being a mother, she knew how special it was being yours. So next year remember, miss her but be glad she has had a part in making you who you are. Xxxx

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