I am on familiar territory, a place I have been before, that which I hoped I need not visit again but here I am.
My life feels like it is falling apart once again. I am no longer in control in of what the immediate or long-term future holds. The hopes and dreams and plans I had just a few short weeks ago are shattered into pieces of glass. Even glimpsing at just one of them cuts me at the moment. Perhaps the pieces can be glued back together, maybe they cannot but that decision is not mine to make and once again my life is on hold, waiting for the decisions of other people.
I am struggling. It has been a long time since I have felt so emotionally drained. So utterly exhausted mentally. I am back in the place where I long to spend my days in my bed, when it takes all my energy to get washed and occasionally dressed. I use every last reserve to plaster a smile onto my face for Harry and to absent mindedly play with him.
Harry has been the one to bring me the smiles and laughs in the last week or so. The cuddles and the "I love you" all so sincere and old from such a small child, one who cannot possibly understand what love is except that it just is. And just when I think he cannot possibly get any cuter, he spots me crying and comes up to me with a cuddle and says "Please don't cry Mummy, you are my best friend".
Whatever the outcome of my latest struggle, I know the small things, mainly from Harry are what will be what get me through. After all, he got me through last year.