Musings… Questions… No Answers.

The grey has descended once more.

I thought I had it sorted, I thought I had fixed it. Just a couple of days ago I asked my GP if I could start weaning off my citalopram. I thought it was a good idea. He disagreed and now it seems with good reason.

Just a couple of days ago I thought I was coping with all that life has to throw at me. I was content with my little family, plodding along.

I was feeling better mentally and physically, settled.

Alas, it was not to last. Slowly but surely the black dog returned, along with his good friends that are the grey clouds and rain showers.

I should have known really, it never does. I should have been forewarned but I was not.

The sensible, more aware part of me tells me that low points are normal, that everyone has them. Another part of me answers back, arguing that I am too weak to handle them. It is just life.

I’ve spent most of my adult life being medicated. The last time I wasn’t medicated was during pregnancy and a short period post-partum. Before that, I cannot recall the last time I wasn’t popping one anti-depressant or another.

There have been very short periods, a week or so when I have stopped myself. Those periods never end well and I know I want to avoid that.

But how am I to know if what I feel is part and parcel of normality? How can I differentiate between that and actual depression? I don’t know any more.

The wine aisle in the local shop whispers my name. Asking me “What harm will one glass do?” but I know the answer to that. I can’t have just one glass. I can’t have enough. So I avoid it, remind myself that alcohol and happy pills and pain killers and beta blockers do not mix. So I pick up the chocolate instead, slightly recoiling at the price; when did that get so expensive?!

I snap at my beautiful, happy son for no reason other than he is being a four year old boy, one who is fiercely testing how much independence he can have and is curious about the growing world around him. The same little boy who crawls into my bed in the early hours, whispering he can’t get back to sleep because all he wants is a cuddle from mummy, reminding me he is still my baby.

I know what it is like to be on the peripheral of life, to not want to be here, to feel life is pointless and I know I am not there, yet.

I don’t know, or perhaps just can’t remember life before the happy pills were dished out, why I started taking them in the first place. I can’t seem to reach the depths of my memory that are needed to recall that. Perhaps I don’t really want to. Or maybe there was no real reason at all. Maybe I am just unable to cope with real life.

16 thoughts on “Musings… Questions… No Answers.

  1. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Depression is such a horrid illness but it is that, an illness. There is no shame is being medicated if that is what you need. I am, for the first time since I was 18, un-medicated and the road is rather rocky but bearable the majority of the time. It is hard and coming off medication took a while..especially as one of the side-effects of stopping can be low mood.

    I would say go with how you feel. If it feels manageable maybe continue but be ready to go back and say if things just aren't working. If not, then start taking them again. There is no shame at all in being on medication. It is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and sometimes you do just need pills to rectify that, however horrible that might make you feel at times. Always here if you need a chat 🙂 x
    Shay Noble recently posted..Me & You in MayMy Profile

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  2. So sorry to read this. My heart really goes out to you. I have no answers either. You're right, we all have low days. But my low days have never been low enough to require medication, so I can't relate to what you're going through. A life on medication doesn't sound like 'the answer', but if that's what it takes to feel 'normal', then it seems to be better than the alternative. I hope you come through this cloud soon. X
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..What she wore: Bird dressMy Profile

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  3. If you suffered from diabetes you wouldn't think twice about taking insulin, if you suffered from asthma you wouldn't think twice about using puffers, if you suffered from high blood pressure you wouldn't think twice about taking the prescribed medication; depression is an illness and you need to treat it in whatever way works for you, guided by qualified medical practitioners and by your own instincts. One day I hope someone will find the cause of this hateful condition, one day someone may find a cure but until then sufferers need to do what they can to survive. Don't listen to the doubters, don't listen to those who tell you that you're weak; they are ignorant of your condition and your situation.You are doing an amazing job holding yourself together and raising a family, be proud of what you do.
    Frazzled Mum recently posted..Why I like MayMy Profile

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  4. It's so hard to feel that cloud descending and not be able to prevent it, I really feel for you, am just coming out of another spell myself, it feels so unfair and that fuzziness can feel like a fog. You are doing the very best you can and I take my hat off to you, it's not easy x
    there and back again... a mother's tale recently posted..A toddler’s viewMy Profile

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  6. This post really hit me it's exactly how I feel. Last week I was put back on my citoloptam after 2 weeks of not having it. I've just not been right without it and I struggle to accept that I can't be normal without my pills..right now I feel very low alone isolated. I wonder what my purpose is, question my point of existence it's a bit rubbish atm
    Hope you feel brighter soon xx
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  7. Don't beat yourself up. Use your blog as your diary to see whether there are patterns, to see where you know you'll need the most support. As Kate's said, citalopram is difficult to come off, and it's difficult to get 'on' so I would make sure you do have the most support possible to help you. The person closest to me was on it, and was supported with CBT before making the call to come off it. It's been far from easy, but the time was right, and we still have to talk so much to recognise when we need to support each other most. I wouldn't beat yourself up about 'having' to come off it, and rather live, and know when you're ok. Much love x
    Debbie recently posted..Word of the WeekMy Profile

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  8. I think we all get down days. Some get it worse than others but we all get them you are certainly not alone or weak in anyway. I'm not very experienced with medicated depression or treatments but have you thought about some kind of therapy? You might be able to figure at least what triggered it and help put old demons to rest. Whatever you do I hope you feel better again soon, it must be horrible going through it for so long 🙁 wish I could say something helpful xx
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  9. Depression is something that unless you have been there yourself are unable to understand the struggle with everyday life. The simple knockdowns that we all face everyday mean so much more and leave us thinking about them so much more. Analysing comments and looks that we receive, can be so draining. You need to not think about the fact you are medicated but think about how you are one of the brave ones who have sort help and are attempting to keep that black dog at bay.
    Boo Roo and Tigger Too recently posted..My Sunday Photo #SilentSundayMy Profile

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  10. People act like depression isn't a major illness but it is. You should not worry about the idea of medications, but be happy that you live in a time where they are available and you can be raised a bit higher and not have to be so low all the time. x
    Californian Mum in London recently posted..Garden GamesMy Profile

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  11. It's brave to write about depression. Seems to me it is very, very difficult to understand it, because, like weeds in a garden, depression is made up of the same stuff as the rest of your mind, and so it is especially impossible to disentangle what is healthy from what is unhealthy thinking and feeling. Depression is certainly an illness, but a particularly unbounded and tentacular one -- how can you tell when it begins and ends? Yoga and mindfulness definitely help -- feeling what you feel, and making sure you have the time and space to do so, definitely enable recovery. Suppressing feelings strengthens them; acknowledging them releases and dissolves them. I think the principles that underlie mindfulness are the best I've ever come across for thinking about thinking: that thoughts are mental events like the weather -- they come and go, and form systems and patterns, but they are ever-changing. I think accepting the flux of one's thoughts definitely helps you live with them, rather than be dominated by them.
    Kirkegaard recently posted..Fourteen, a new one-woman play by Gurpreet Kaur BhattiMy Profile

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  12. been there and have the t-shirt.
    its CRAP.
    but i try to tell myself if i didn't feel LOW so deeply then am missing out on the extremes of emotion and they also make me creative, and musically emotional and i don't want to do that.
    but i TOTALLY am programmed towards this as default
    HUG
    Hx

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