I have always admitted how I find Mother's Day to be the hardest special event in the annual calender, how it has got worse rather than better since Harry arrived.
It makes me acutely aware of just how much I miss my mum, more aware of my mortality, more aware of what she missed, what Harry missed and selfishly what I have missed.
I think of how proud she would be of Harry, of my sisters, my brother and maybe even me. I chastise myself for not realising how special she was, for not telling her how much she meant to me enough, for not apologising for the anxiety and anguish I caused her. I hate that I will never be able to make amends.
Of course, these thoughts and feelings go through me often but Mother's Day always seems to bring them to the surface much more strongly.
I've spoken before about how I naïvely thought this day of the year would be easier once I had Harry and yet it's got harder.
This year though? This year came with an acceptance. Almost like an understanding that no amount of tears, anger or regrets would change things; ultimately, I would still have to get through the day and to try to do so without upsetting Harry or the husband (whose own mum also away 7 years ago). Of course I have known this for the last 10 years so it wasn't new knowledge, I'm not really sure what it was.
This Mother's Day we were blessed with a bright and warm day, so we packed up a picnic and headed to a local attraction called Blaise Castle Estate, which has a couple of lovely and well maintained playgrounds for children of all ages, is a beautiful place for a picnic and has some lovely walks as well. As expected on such a beautiful day, it was busy. And true to form, Harry wanted to go into the playground that is more suitable for older children! Both the husband and I tend to analyse risks so how we managed to produce such a dare-devil is beyond us!
It was a lovely day, exactly the sort of day my Mum would have enjoyed with us had she been alive. It was lovely to enjoy the day and whilst there was always the thought at the back of my mind, expecting the tears or sadness to come, they never did. Yet she was, as always, in my thoughts.
The difference this year compared to previous years was beyond what I could have wished for and I can only put that down to the husband and I both giving up alcohol completely in recent weeks. We drank excessively and having stopped, we have truly realised what a detrimental effect it was having on us and more importantly on Harry.