It is now 5 am in the morning. I have been awake for three hours and gave up completely on sleep (and therefore climbed out of bed) an hour ago. Currently I am battling with insomnia. So apologies in advance if this is complete nonsense.
Now, I really shouldn't be stressing about Christmas. After all most of Christmas Day shall spent with my family at my Auntie and Uncle's home and despite a couple of requests I have been told that, for now at least, there is nothing they want me to bring. So I have no need to worry about food and drink. However, that still leaves presents and cards and the rest of the festive period.
So presents I am not that concerned about really. I don't think. I am not entirely sure that Harry has enough stocking fillers, the husband thinks he does yet we haven't actually bothered to check the soon-to-be-larder-but-currently-junk-room. I have not wrapped what we do have. I am suddenly fearing we have bought Harry lots of very similar things, yet I also worry we have not got him "enough". That said, I know family are most likely to get him plenty too. And, quite simply, he is still (hopefully!) at an age where he gets huge enjoyment just from being with the family. The husband and I both want clothes/boots/coat from each other so have decided to wait until the sales start despite my hatred of clothes shopping (yes, I know that makes me a rare female). My siblings and I are doing a Secret Santa which is sorted. (Almost gave my receiver away then!)
I have no cards written. Today is the last posting date. So, if you're reading this and I have your address; sorry
The thing is, despite surgery today I never really thought I was that anxious. It has hit me suddenly. Yes, it seems likely that I should, hopefully, only be in one night so the (tiny) logical part of my (literally too big) brain tells me that I really shouldn't be that concerned. Yet I am. As "minor" as the surgery may appear in terms of length of stay and recovery, it IS still brain surgery.
I posted recently about how I was feeling "grey" but my mood has lifted somewhat and yet I still feel, well I don't know how I feel.
All I know is that right now, for the last week or more even, my brain has being doing battle. The anxiety is battling with the more practical side. It is impossible for me to get more than five hours sleep two nights in a row. I can get what I would call a decent amount of sleep (more than six hours) and then the next night I will most likely get three, broken hours. And right now, I am nil by mouth for however long; I do not function well without decent sleep as it is but usually get through with coffee, clearly that's not allowed. So apologies in advance to anyone who comes into contact with me today.
I have tried all sorts of relaxation things; downloads, turning off all devices, cutting caffeine back, writing when I wake (or when I struggle to get to sleep) and more but nothing seems to help. Maybe I do simply just have too much on in my brain and I just need to ride it out.