Dear Mum

Ten years have passed and I can't believe it. Such a long time, yet no time at all.

Thinking of that call on that day, the calls I then made, my heart shatters into a million pieces, as if for the first time while the tears rise to the surface as fast as a tsunami.

So much has happened, so much has changed.

Life is a paradox without you.

Happy times tinged with a hint of sadness; birthdays, Christmases, Harry's birth, my wedding and Hannah's forthcoming graduation. You should have been there for them, you should be there for the future.

I have grown older, yet I still feel so young and naïve.

I think I understand you better now, our struggles and pains are so similar, then I wonder if I understood at all.

I wish you were here while knowing that is impossible.

I know now that you knew me better than I know myself and I wish I had listened.

At times I feel strong, then I crumble and laugh at my weakness.

I see you unexpectedly in the street and I stop myself from calling your name.

Did you know I heard you reassuring me when in labour? I hope that was you and not a figment of my imagination. It helped.

My memories seem to fade, I question what was real and what I have made up.

Harry is the apple of my eye and I feel sad you never met him. He laughs a lot like you with the snort. He is always smiling and terribly strong-willed, quite where he got that from I don't know...

Every day I hope I make you proud.

The fog is heavy today; literally and metaphorically. I want nothing more than to stay in bed, yet I won't. I won't because I know you wouldn't want that. I know you want me to carry on, to smile. I know life carries on as it must.

Today is harder than I anticipated. I didn't think it would hurt as it has.

I always say I have no regrets but I have one. That I didn't appreciate you as I should. I wish I had.

I know love now in a way I never did and hope that you knew I loved you, no, still love you.

Thinking of you always.

19 thoughts on “Dear Mum

  1. This has struck such a chord with me as I too lost my mum ten years ago and still miss her dreadfully. Sometimes I forget that she's not there and I go to phone her up to tell her something one of the boys has said and then I remember. It's so hard; and like you, I wish my children could benefit from really knowing her.
    I am in absolutely no doubt that she knew just how much you loved her and as Vicki said she is with you in your heart every day x
    Frazzled Mum recently posted..LuckyMy Profile

  2. Rachel, your mum would be so so proud of you, and of Harry. Don't worry that you didn't appreciate her - everyone feels like that, you can't appreciate someone fully 100% of the time. She was deeply loved, you can see that from your words and that is all that really matters xxx
    p.s totally should have been in the bibs writer category!
    katie recently posted..A Family Portrait For AprilMy Profile

  3. #Hugs Rachel. I'm sure your mum is looking down on you and Harry and is proud of everything you're doing.

    My mum died in Dec, and I think because we had 9 months of knowing she'd be going at any point, it helped us cope and really appreciate her during that time. It's still hard now though, and I don't think it'll ever change.
    Emma T recently posted..A toddler’s view on parkingMy Profile

  4. I am sure your mum is incredibly proud of you. Like Frazzled mum, I too pick up the phone sometimes to ring my mum. And some nights when I dream of her, I wake up thinking it was all a bad dream and she is still around and then i remember she isn't. I have the same regret as you - It is only since becoming a mum myself I realise just how amazing my mum was and I wish so much I could tell her. Sending you big hugs today. xxx
    TheBeesleyBuzz recently posted..Kids in the Kitchen: More savvy cooking!My Profile

  5. Alli Marshall

    Beautiful words.
    Like you I lost my Mum a long time ago (11 years) yet sometimes it seems like only yesterday that I saw her.
    I miss her so much & always hope I'm making her proud; she only knew one of my children yet all four of them know her.
    Our Mums will live on in our hearts & minds always & through our children xxxx

  6. I firmly believe that if your mum's left you feeling this way about your relationship, then you both truly had something special! Your words really meant to me as I feel similarly about my mum...she's been gone for 18 yrs now and not a day goes by without me going back to her! "I have grown older, yet I still feel so young and naïve." Ditto...maybe in some way, with our mothers, we'll always be their little girls! Sending you a big virtual hug. xx
    Kanchan @ The Intrepid Misadventurer recently posted..Like Rain on Warm Scented Earth!My Profile

  7. This is so moving xx how unfair it is that you had to lose your mum at such a young age and you missed sharing so many precious moments together xx that was incredible that she was still with you when you gave birth!

    I didn't appreciate my mum properly until I had a child either. Now I have one I can see it from my mum's perspective too and understand that it doesn't really matter if Reuben appreciates every thing I do for him (I don't think he ever will!!) but just that he loves me and is in my life and you definitely did that for your mum too.

    Hannah recently posted..Challenge Yourself #1My Profile

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