Ten years have passed and I can't believe it. Such a long time, yet no time at all.
Thinking of that call on that day, the calls I then made, my heart shatters into a million pieces, as if for the first time while the tears rise to the surface as fast as a tsunami.
So much has happened, so much has changed.
Life is a paradox without you.
Happy times tinged with a hint of sadness; birthdays, Christmases, Harry's birth, my wedding and Hannah's forthcoming graduation. You should have been there for them, you should be there for the future.
I have grown older, yet I still feel so young and naïve.
I think I understand you better now, our struggles and pains are so similar, then I wonder if I understood at all.
I wish you were here while knowing that is impossible.
I know now that you knew me better than I know myself and I wish I had listened.
At times I feel strong, then I crumble and laugh at my weakness.
I see you unexpectedly in the street and I stop myself from calling your name.
Did you know I heard you reassuring me when in labour? I hope that was you and not a figment of my imagination. It helped.
My memories seem to fade, I question what was real and what I have made up.
Harry is the apple of my eye and I feel sad you never met him. He laughs a lot like you with the snort. He is always smiling and terribly strong-willed, quite where he got that from I don't know...
Every day I hope I make you proud.
The fog is heavy today; literally and metaphorically. I want nothing more than to stay in bed, yet I won't. I won't because I know you wouldn't want that. I know you want me to carry on, to smile. I know life carries on as it must.
Today is harder than I anticipated. I didn't think it would hurt as it has.
I always say I have no regrets but I have one. That I didn't appreciate you as I should. I wish I had.
I know love now in a way I never did and hope that you knew I loved you, no, still love you.
Thinking of you always.