Content, Anxious, Depressed?

It is a very strange feeling to me. Feeling content.

For the first time in a very long time I feel content. Happy even with the hand that life has dealt me. I have become quite the domestic goddess and housewife. I enjoy taking pride in our home, keeping it fairly tidy (there is only so much a naturally untidy person can do when they have a 3.5 year old child!), cooking nice meals when well enough. Certainly with the colder evenings demanding good old casseroles and stews it is a heck of a lot easier physically; to just throw stuff into a large pot or the slow cooker and wait. No standing over the stove for what feels like an age. With nursery being an easy, short stroll in 10 minutes even with me and Harry, I have even been doing my fair share of those as well.

I guess a lot of my contentment comes from feeling secure in our home but a lot also comes from feeling like I am doing my bit around the flat as well, I feel I have a purpose again.

It is funny how you don't notice these things until you are in a better place. I hadn't realised I felt I didn't have a role until I had one again.

Yet despite this I still have the anxiety and depression, lingering in the background, teasing me almost.

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Just a couple of weeks ago I decided to stop my medication. Now before you all tell me off I had already had my dose halved by my GP a couple of months ago so was on a fairly low one anyway. Yet within a day or two, the husband noticed just by my mood and asked me if I had run out. He then gently probed and suggested that whilst I may have felt I could manage without, for him to notice within a day or so perhaps I still need them for a little longer, so reluctantly I requested a repeat prescription.

I know that no one can be happy all of the time. I realise that every person on the planet is entitled to have a down day or two every now again. The problem I have is I worry that feeling low is a sign of returning to the dark place that I would like to never visit again. The anxious moments make me wonder if I need CBT again. I struggle to find where normal behaviour ends and the mental illnesses resurface. Will I ever know where that line is?

I am pretty sure it cannot be normal to get upset, in tears almost, when your 3.5 year old occasionally requests cuddles with Daddy instead of Mummy. I am convinced it cannot be normal to get upset at times over friendships broken months ago. It definitely isn't normal to assume that the fellow parents on the school already decided they don't want to become friends when you've never so much as said hello.

I just wish there was some klaxon in the sky that went off to warn me when things hit a crisis; at least then I would know and wouldn't be endlessly questioning myself, waiting for the black hole to come.

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8 thoughts on “Content, Anxious, Depressed?

  1. I am so glad you're content. I had really bad depression at University for a couple of years. The good thing is, you do feel the nearness of the entry point of the black hole for a while, even a long while, but the longer you spend, where it doesn't capture you, it starts to become a distant place you don't go any longer. You have to believe in yourself though, and slowly slowly catchy monkey.
    You can do it.
    Liska xxx
    liska recently posted..We're All Going to The Zoo TomorrowMy Profile

    1. Post author

      I think the genuine contentment thing, as opposed to forcing self to stay positive and be happy is just so new, it is like I worry it is too good to last? I don't know, it is odd! Thanks for commenting. x

  2. *hugs* It is so hard to know what is mental illness and what is just you, I know myself that I struggle to find the line.
    From the medication side of things though I think totally differently to you, I view it as an essential to my life; I have an illness like any other and will (probably) need to be medication to control it for the rest of my life. Everyone is different of course but try not to be down on yourself for needing medication.
    Mrs Teepot recently posted..Driving me to distressMy Profile

  3. It's hard for me to comment on what's normal and what's not because, of the examples you gave, i would also get upset and worried about them and i'm sure others would too. That said i've struggled with anxiety for a fair while and although i'm not on any medication anymore it's always there and i still get worked up about things that are simply not important.

    I can totally relate to everything you say about having a purpose because i always feel better when i am busy and doing stuff - it's funny because most of the time i dread doing things but feel a million times better once i bite the bullet and actually do them!

    Can you try and cute down on your medication slightly? I worked off very gradually and came off them quite easily in the end x
    katie recently posted..Our HellidayMy Profile

  4. It's good to hear you are feeling more contented and you are able to do more around the house. It must be a worry though not knowing if, when and how bad the dark feelings will be. I hope they stay away for a long, long time. X
    If it's any consolation, I always assume people don't like me too...
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..Silent Sunday 6.10.13My Profile

  5. Interesting. G also stopped medication recently against my advice. He thinks he doesn't need it as he was feeling more settled in our new home. I disagree and see a change in mood.

    I feel that I have lost my role since the move. There is no need for me to hold the family together in quite the same way, and G is reluctant to allow me to return to the stay at home mum type routine I had before we were homeless.

    Homelessness has affected us/me, more than I thought it would/did.

    It's hard to find normal again.

    Sorry for the essay xxxx
    Karen Marquick recently posted..We've ditched the dummies!My Profile


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