A Brighter Outlook

Regular readers may (or may not) have noticed that I have been a little quiet over here of late. I haven't really felt the love for the blog; I'm not really sure what it is. I suspect I need a change of direction, or perhaps simply to take some time out. I am no longer sure what I want to write about although I am starting to realise what I want to put less of on here.

Much like many bloggers, this started as a place for me. A sort of free therapy. At a time in my life when we had just moved to Bristol it was a time of uncertainty as we started getting answers to my illness, realised the impact of it, that the husband and I couldn't work. We soon went through a long, uncertain period of homelessness filled with reams of paperwork; paperwork for housing, for financial support from the state, appeals in both areas. We felt judged as parents and as people. Exhausting, stressful with lots of angry tears. Then came the getting the flat. Decorating with support from the blogging community. Feeling settled, content and pretty darn thankful.

Then earlier this year we had a couple of more periods of uncertainty. Uncertainty in our marriage, our family unit. When in days gone by I would have blogged through it, I had since "grown up", realised that whatever I said I would not be sharing the whole story, certainly not the husband's side, how then could I share that on here? Something so personal that I felt I needed to process myself but what of the husband; how would he feel? And, more importantly, would I say something that I'd later regret and never be able to take back. I may be able to delete the post, or the blog entirely but it could always be found. It made me question my honesty, my integrity and what that means to me personally as well as for my readers.

Now, we are happier than ever. Truly. Content. Our days are largely filled with fun and laughter. The positive attitude that got me through last year has come back. Of course, the nature of my health issues means there are more days when I cannot go outside than I can but I have realised that doesn't have to mean feeling sorry for myself or that I am missing out (although I am only human and still have them). I can listen to Harry retelling the fun he had at the park with Daddy, or how Daddy has taught him how to swing a golf club on the field or what about at nursery when one child hit another, again? When I am well enough I can absorb myself fully to going along and watching him laugh, hearing him cry out "Look at me mummy!". Dare I say even, that this more positive attitude has a physical benefit, I seem to be able to get out a little more often.

I am excited about the future. I am currently doing a couple of e-courses, I shall be applying to become a parent governor at Harry's school from September and in October I hope to start an Open University course. All of which I am hoping to help me get the confidence I need to start my own business from home. In September I have another meeting with my Neurosurgeon as well to find out what, if any, further surgery I need.

All of this combined, I hope means the future is looking optimistic. The husband is job hunting and I am sure that he will find the right job eventually. We want to support ourselves, our little boy and we want our self-respect back.

It has been a tough few years and I have a huge fear that things are about to go wrong again. So huge that it fills my waking thoughts and my dreams (or nightmares!) at night but hopefully, finally, things are on the up and this time for good.

16 thoughts on “A Brighter Outlook

  1. Such a sensitive post. Good on you for being so in touch with your feelings. I can relate to the holding back on writing things so much. It's lovely to hear you have such a positive outlook. I have it too somedays, but it's hard on the days when we're in a rut isn't it?
    Sorry that there are days that you cannot get out and about. I missed you lots at #LittleReaders. I hope your health improves and that the meeting with the Surgeon brings good news.
    Sept and Oct sound so exciting with the e-course, the Open University and the possible School governorship. I don't know what September will bring for me as I have not at all looked again. I know I will be losing my excuse to stay at home though....... I have some ideas but haven't been grounded or centred enough to work on them.
    Hope to see you soon.
    Much love, Liska xx
    Liska @NewMumOnline recently posted..Hair Transformation in Harrow, London - Fusion Hair Design Harrow ReviewMy Profile

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    1. Post author

      We will definitely catch up soon, I have a busy week so will likely need to rest again over the weekend but not long until the summer holidays! I know you will work on your ideas, the time will come for you as well. Thank you for such a lovely comment. x

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  2. Rachel, such a lovely post. I'm so pleased you've found your happy place and are heading in such a positive direction.
    You are so right, it is really important 'what' you blog. It can be wrongly interpreted and never taken back.
    There is a theme across the blogosphere of change and development, a time to reappraise, it's infectious. I've had many doubts over the last few months. I think I've found a better place now, but like you are less inclined to spend time in blog.
    Best wishes for the next few months, am sure you will be AMAZING! go for it!
    helloitsgemma recently posted..Beam me upMy Profile

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    1. Post author

      Thank you Gemma. It is all stuff I have wanted to do for a few years now but for one reason or another I have never been in the place to, or perhaps just made excuses and now just feels like the perfect time with Harry starting school in September. x

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  3. I'm so pleased you're on the up again. Sounds like you have a lot of exciting things in the pipeline! Life is always going to be full of ups & downs. Just because you don't always feel like sharing the downs with the world, doesn't make you insincere or dishonest in some way. It just means you're busy dealing with the situation & getting through it. Hope you get your blogging mojo back again too.
    Lucy recently posted..Zero Waste Week 2014My Profile

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  4. I am so ridiculously pleased for you and D. I am pleased you're in a better place, which ultimately means you're in a better place for H.
    The fact that you're applying to be a governor is a huge step too Rachel and one you should be immensely proud of. I can't wait to hear how everything goes and develops. You're an amazing lady. Xxx
    Emily recently posted..Can I realistically do this?My Profile

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  6. I'm so happy for you that things are taking an upward turn, it must be so hard to be upbeat and positive but it sounds like you really are. I know what you mean about how much you share online - when I started blogging it was all going to be anonymous so I could write what I wanted, but it rarely stays that way so you have to be careful about not sharing the wrong things. Good luck with your plans - onwards and upwards!
    Franglaise Mummy recently posted..Feeling like a bad mumMy Profile

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  7. It's so, so nice to read about how happy you are. You've been through so much that a period of contentment is absolutely deserved and must feel wonderful. I think the thing with blogging, is that it can be whatever you want and whenever you want. Just use it when you want to x
    Rachel - 3yearsandhome recently posted..Hate football, love shoesMy Profile

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