Photograph: Sipa Press/Rex Features

As anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows, there are times when you feel like you're constantly battling the demon.  Times when it is all you can do to get yourself out of bed, never mind anything else.

I am experiencing one of those times right now.

I spent much of yesterday in bed.  Between battling the depression, the hydrocephalus, migraines and other health issues, there are times when I feel like I am never going to be normal.  Although what normal is, I am not quite sure!  A lot of the time, when I am experiencing one of my headaches, whether that is a hydrocephalus one or a full on migraine, it will often cause a relapse in the depression stakes.  Of course that seems to work the other way too so it can feel like a vicious circle.

The thing about this vicious circle is whilst you don't feel like doing anything, even getting dressed, you know deep down that even those simple things will make you feel better.

I am lucky.  I know that there are people suffering far worse fates than me.  I know that.  I have a fantastic support network, a bright bundle of a toddler son, a loving (if sometimes lacking in understanding) husband.

The battling is tiring.  I am fed up of it.  I wanted this year to be the year that I get my depression under control but thus far that doesn't look likely.  I know I have at least another three months on my medication and that's just for the depression.  I've still got to try to battle with a consultant (if I ever get assigned one) to try to fix some of my other health issues.

Battle I will.  Because one way or another I want to, need to get better.  And I have the support I need.  I just need to reach out to them and be honest instead of putting on a brave face as I do.

Do you hide your feelings from those close to you?  How do you know when to be honest and when to keep it in?

8 thoughts on “Battling

  1. I have always had a tendency to keep my feelings to myself - I easily avoid sharing by simply saying "I'm fine". The few people that really understand me know to poke and prod further to get to the bottom of whatever it is that is going on with me at the time. Sometimes I know I'm being daft but no matter what, I have always found that sharing makes everything that little bit better. *hugs*

    1. Post author

      Thanks for your comment. I think I'm a bit too proud for my own good sometimes. I mean, everything thinks I am this strong person and really I don't feel it so feel sometimes I have to maintain that facade at times! Thank you for reading. Xx

  2. I am fortunate now that I seem to have found a medication that keeps me along a steady road. I find that talking to my partner is very important, but I can't always be specific. Sometimes its just "I'm not well at the moment" and thats enough. Talking to people is very important. You can be strong but share how you feel inside, it is nothing to be ashamed off. Wishing you some brighter days xx

    1. Post author

      Thank you.

      I think that's the hardest part, when there is nothing specific but I just feel low, or when what has triggered it isn't something that can be fixed. As much as he tries, the husband doesn't 'get' it and he's the opposite of me in that he always keeps things bottled up. Thanks for reading. Xx

  3. Not Just A Mummy

    hugs, i know how you feel, ive battled with depression and anxiety for the last 5 years. going from being an independant person with a job to moving into my first house, loosing my job and giving birth in only a few short months hit me hard. it wasnt just that though, i didnt have a support network. i still have bad days even though im in a better place, ive had another son and im in college now. i have other health problems too ad i hate going to the doctor, im sure they see my name and think "her again". i dont feel ill ever be 'normal' but you sound very determined 🙂

    1. Post author

      I feel the same when I go to the GP, which means that you end up being caught in the cycle again! I'm not sure I will ever be 'normal' but I've got to try. It sounds like you had a lot on your plate in one go so it's no wonder you couldn't cope really! Xx


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