So, I guess you all know I suffer from depression. It is largely under control with the help of medication and a supportive family. However, there are times when I get bouts of anxiety too. And it all becomes just a little too much.
Today was one of those days.
We woke this morning to a misty start and I knew that once that mist had lifted, today would be a nice, bright day. A taster of the Spring that is sure to arrive soon. One of my favourite times of the year.
It all started so positive. There is something about the Spring sunshine that brings out the best in me. I had decided that we would all head out together, either to the local park or farm to make the most of the sun.
A lazy morning followed and then I announced that I thought it was a good idea to go out for a couple of hours. Except I forgot something. We had planned (and we were looking forward to) a roast dinner. Which we hadn't yet started preparing, never mind cooking and it was already 1pm, having just finished a light lunch. In seeing my positive mood, the husband suggested I take H out and give him some space to prepare dinner in peace (not something he would have suggested had he suspected I didn't feel up to it). To which I agreed and started getting myself and H ready.
Then it hit me.
The nausea. The sweating. Within seconds of putting the keys in my pocket a fear gripped me. Although I suppose in reflection fear is probably too strong a word to use but I couldn't bear the thought of going outside without my husband.
I am not as mobile as I used to be and I worried about H running off and losing sight of him. Sure, I could take him to the park in his pushchair but once there he'd need to be let out. I panicked about what other people would think about me. Why I think complete strangers would give me a second thought I don't know, but I did. I worried that I would have to speak to other people for some reason and frankly I am not great at speaking to people I don't know.
And now? Now I feel silly.
I let my son down today and I let myself down.
I know I struggle with depression still but I do hope that once we have a more permanent home, a place we can call home, that I may slowly be able to come off my medication but the anxiety, that hasn't happened for a long time and frankly, I am gutted. It came as such a bolt from the blue.
Tomorrow I shall pick myself up and try to make it up to H. I shall take him out tomorrow instead and we will go to the farm to feed the pigs and the ducks, maybe even have a cake in the coffee shop and today will be forgotten. I hope.