Anxiety Rears it’s Head

So, I guess you all know I suffer from depression.  It is largely under control with the help of medication and a supportive family.  However, there are times when I get bouts of anxiety too.  And it all becomes just a little too much.

Today was one of those days.

We woke this morning to a misty start and I knew that once that mist had lifted, today would be a nice, bright day.  A taster of the Spring that is sure to arrive soon.  One of my favourite times of the year.

It all started so positive.  There is something about the Spring sunshine that brings out the best in me.  I had decided that we would all head out together, either to the local park or farm to make the most of the sun.

A lazy morning followed and then I announced that I thought it was a good idea to go out for a couple of hours.  Except I forgot something.  We had planned (and we were looking forward to) a roast dinner.  Which we hadn't yet started preparing, never mind cooking and it was already 1pm, having just finished a light lunch.  In seeing my positive mood, the husband suggested I take H out and give him some space to prepare dinner in peace (not something he would have suggested had he suspected I didn't feel up to it).  To which I agreed and started getting myself and H ready.

Then it hit me.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

The nausea.  The sweating.  Within seconds of putting the keys in my pocket a fear gripped me.  Although I suppose in reflection fear is probably too strong a word to use but I couldn't bear the thought of going outside without my husband.

I am not as mobile as I used to be and I worried about H running off and losing sight of him.  Sure, I could take him to the park in his pushchair but once there he'd need to be let out.  I panicked about what other people would think about me.  Why I think complete strangers would give me a second thought I don't know, but I did.  I worried that I would have to speak to other people for some reason and frankly I am not great at speaking to people I don't know.

And now?  Now I feel silly.

I let my son down today and I let myself down.

I know I struggle with depression still but I do hope that once we have a more permanent home, a place we can call home, that I may slowly be able to come off my medication but the anxiety, that hasn't happened for a long time and frankly, I am gutted.  It came as such a bolt from the blue.

Tomorrow I shall pick myself up and try to make it up to H.  I shall take him out tomorrow instead and we will go to the farm to feed the pigs and the ducks, maybe even have a cake in the coffee shop and today will be forgotten.  I hope.

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16 thoughts on “Anxiety Rears it’s Head

  1. Don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow is another day. Take a deep breath and remind yourself how good you felt this morning hold that thought and start again tomorrow. H hasn't missed anything in a day and probably had a wonderful time with you at home.

    Thinking of you, sending virtual hugs and hoping that you're being sympathetic to yourself, if you know what I mean.

    x
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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      I just feel so cross, where did it come from?!

      But yes, tomorrow is another day. Thank you. xx

      Reply
    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      Yes tomorrow is another day. I just feel it was such a waste of such a nice day too. xx

      Reply
  2. Oh hun 🙁
    I know those feelings all too well - why is it that the anxiety always smacks you around the face when everything is fine and nice and positive? You didn't let H down at all so please don't feel bad about that.
    When you look at the whole picture (something I'm totally guilty of hardly ever doing) with all that you're dealing with at the moment it's bound to get too much and so is the exhaustion from being so strong all the time.
    We need to learn how to be kind to ourselves!
    Hope tomorrow is a better day x

    Reply
    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      I think, since posting, I have realised that at least with a depressive episode I can see a trigger, whereas this literally came from no where, that's what made it all that bit tougher?

      Tomorrow will be better for both of us. xx

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      Oh I know I shouldn't be, or I know that now but H was desperate to go out. He did at least get to play with his little friend which is something.

      Thank you for reading. x

      Reply
  3. Bex

    I totally get this. I could have written something very similar many many times. Don't be too hard on yourself & enjoy coffee & cake with your H.

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  4. You haven't let anyone down at all; you can only do your best and sometimes these things get the better of us.
    Sending strength and *hugs* and hoping you can stop beating yourself up soon!
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  5. I didn't realise that you suffer from anxiety so badly, how debilitating for you. As others have said, of course you didn't let your little H down, you're being the best mummy you can be right now and that's more than enough. You will get better and there will be other days x

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    1. mummyglitzer

      Post author

      It is so hard sometimes! I was sick right before you and Emma picked me up on Friday! Xx

      Reply

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