Laying in bed last night I asked myself a question: Who am I? I am not sure why I asked myself this, other than I know that on the nights I can't sleep my mind goes into over-drive, turning things over and over. Unless I am absolutely shattered, I find it hard to turn off my brain. So a battle ensues in my head. Whilst initially I may not have been able to get to sleep due to the heat, I ended up whirring this question over in my head.
My first response was "I am Harry's mummy". I think I am a good mum. Scrap that, I think I am very good mum except we are not meant to say that, are we? "What makes you think that?" I hear you cry.
Well of course I feel that as parents, myself and the husband have let Harry down. It would be misguided of us to think we hadn't in at least a small way given our current living arrangements. Even though I may feel that, I still think we are very good parents.
This is clear from Harry's behaviour, his manners, his demeanor. He is a well-behaved child for the most part although, naturally, not perfect and does have his tantrums which seem to be getting stronger and more persistent as he gets older. Generally he now says his "please" and "thank you" on his own accord and a Look will remind him should he forget. I am aware that he is unlikely to understand the concept of manners at his age but I still don't see the harm in instilling it now and teaching him the understanding this way.
Yet still... That's not me is it? Being a mummy is a part of who I am but isn't ME.
I am the husband's wife. Obviously.
I happen to think I am a good wife too. Well mostly, if we ignore my occasional spoiled brat tendencies. I support his choices and decisions even when I may not agree with them, as long as I am given the opportunity to put my own view across. Being the more positive thinking one of the two of us, I find I do at times have to help pick him up when we are dealt a blow as generally I find it easier to move on, at least once I have had a little cry.
Yet still, that's not me is it? Being a wife is a part of who I am but not me as a whole.
So the question remains.
Who Am I?
As well as the obvious Mummy and Wife, I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a neice, a grand-daughter, a great-grandaughter and a woman in her own right.
As a part of all of these roles I am loving, loyal, strong, positive, kind, thoughtful, happy, blessed.
I won't lie to you though; I am also selfish, miserable, depressed, anxious, paranoid, isolated, angry and jealous at times.
I have my good points of which I am very proud of. I also have my not so good points which I am not proud of and I try to keep hidden, locked in a little box and for the most part I think I hide them quite well.
I am me. I am no one person or role but an eclectic mix with different roles and responsibilities depending on who I am around.