Tag Archives: depression


Photograph: Sipa Press/Rex Features

As anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows, there are times when you feel like you're constantly battling the demon.  Times when it is all you can do to get yourself out of bed, never mind anything else.

I am experiencing one of those times right now.

I spent much of yesterday in bed.  Between battling the depression, the hydrocephalus, migraines and other health issues, there are times when I feel like I am never going to be normal.  Although what normal is, I am not quite sure!  A lot of the time, when I am experiencing one of my headaches, whether that is a hydrocephalus one or a full on migraine, it will often cause a relapse in the depression stakes.  Of course that seems to work the other way too so it can feel like a vicious circle.

The thing about this vicious circle is whilst you don't feel like doing anything, even getting dressed, you know deep down that even those simple things will make you feel better.

I am lucky.  I know that there are people suffering far worse fates than me.  I know that.  I have a fantastic support network, a bright bundle of a toddler son, a loving (if sometimes lacking in understanding) husband.

The battling is tiring.  I am fed up of it.  I wanted this year to be the year that I get my depression under control but thus far that doesn't look likely.  I know I have at least another three months on my medication and that's just for the depression.  I've still got to try to battle with a consultant (if I ever get assigned one) to try to fix some of my other health issues.

Battle I will.  Because one way or another I want to, need to get better.  And I have the support I need.  I just need to reach out to them and be honest instead of putting on a brave face as I do.

Do you hide your feelings from those close to you?  How do you know when to be honest and when to keep it in?

I ask myself that almost every day.

And what exactly IS normal anyway?

Does everyone just paint a face on and behave they way they are supposed to?

On paper, I've now got everything I have ever wanted.

We've moved 200 miles away because I was so sure that being in this city would make me happier.  Sure, it's meant we can rent a bigger place than we could have before and yes we are a lot closer to my family, which was my main drive for moving here.  But I've discovered I still need the medication despite that.

Maybe I should have continued taking it once we'd moved but I didn't.  I was sure the move would fix it all.

It hasn't.

So maybe it is me?  Maybe I will never be able to be free of pills.  Or maybe I just need to take them for a little while longer until I've made friends?

It scares me to think I might have to rely on them forever.  I don't want to but every time I stop I end up back on them.  When will it stop?  Will it stop?