I am absolutely honoured to host the anonymous guest post from a fellow blogger. One who wanted to share some of her own story but felt unable to on her own blog. I am, quite frankly, amazed at all this lovely lady has been through and continues to battle with her daily life. Please do show her some love in the comments.
10 years ago now my family was complete ( so I thought) I'd been married ten years and we had just sold our tiny flat and moved to a much bigger house in a cheaper area. Far from home.
It was going to be the start of good things.
But not long after we relocated things changed.
I was busy settling the kids into new schools and making our house a home while my husband was busy having an affair with a new colleague.
We split up not long after.
I was alone in a new place with no support and an ex husband with no interest in helping with the kids.
Two years after we had moved I got into a new relationship , purely casual. It was a neighbour that had been doing jobs around the house for me. I fell pregnant ( by accident) and told the father, I made it clear that he had no obligation to stick around.
But he changed. He became possessive of me. He wanted my be his side all the time. Didn't like me to sit by the kids. Or hold hands with them. I tried to break it off.
I didn't want my kids to live like that!
He became aggressive and threatening.
Telling me if I finished with him he would hurt me and himself.
I stood my ground , but then one night he came round to talk and smashed all my possessions. Then he hit me.
The next day I asked my ex to look after the kids and I took an overdose.
I couldn't see any other way out.
The kids weren't safe. I wasn't safe and the baby I was carrying wasn't safe.
I began to feel really unwell and realising what I'd actually done I called an ambulance.
It turned out I hadn't taken enough pills (thank god).
I was kept in hospital for a few days, I had to have lots of meetings with the psychiatrist and couldn't leave till he was sure I wasn't going to do it again. I was discharged and in the morning I took my kids, left all our stuff behind and got a train out of there.
I went home.
To my mum.
She took us in , but she made it clear that she was angry with me.
Coming home tail between my legs single with kids and no home.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant.
We had to apply for temporary housing as mum didn't have room for us.
And when I took the kids to visit their dad he told me he was keeping half of them till the house was sold (to get half the money).
He tried to make me choose between the kids. I couldn't.
He kept 3 of them.
We would be 200 miles apart.
I was living in temporary housing, with depression (diagnosed after the overdose) and now I had to fight to get my kids back.
I still hadn't told anyone I was pregnant!
At the first custody hearing my ex was told to give the kids back, and told there was no way they would be removed from me. He appealed. Which meant another 8 months apart while social services did checks and reviews.
I was getting more pregnant all the time but I couldn't connect with the pregnancy. How could I look forward to a new baby when my children were so far away from me?
When I was 8 months and very visibly pregnant mum confronted me and made me go to the doctor. I was given a scan to make sure baby was ok and flagged up for depression.
It was Christmas when the baby was due. After getting a court order to have the kids for Christmas I had to go 200 miles by train to collect them. Just a few days before Christmas Day. My GP warned against it but I had to have the kids with me.
I went into labour the next day.
I was out shopping for presents at the time. I had to go to the hospital alone as my mum had the children.
Labour was difficult. I was alone and still felt no connection to the baby.
I was scared that I couldn't love it.
That changed the moment he was born as soon as I held him I loved him. Although I was and still am saddled with guilt over the fact that I had been completely disconnected from the pregnancy.
I had the kids for two weeks over Christmas. It ripped my heart out letting them go back. The guilt was huge. Sending them away while I had a new baby.
In January all the social worker reports came back, all recommending the kids be returned immediately to me.
On the day of the custody hearing in February, at the court my ex stated that he no longer wanted to appeal for custody.
The sale of the house had gone through and his new wife was pregnant.
All those months of heartbreak were for nothing.
I got the kids back a week later!
Having us all back together was one of the most happiest moments of my life.
We settled down quickly and for 6 years we've lived in the same house in the area I grew up.
I'm now closer to my mum than ever.
Although initially she had been angry she is ultimately very very proud of me after all I went through and survived.
The guilt will always be with me. I didn't love my last baby till he was born, I overdosed while carrying him
But he is loved, he is loved so so much.
Not just by me but by his siblings and my mum. He is my silver lining.
My point in writing this post was a few reasons : to say that if you are in an abusive relationship getting out of it will be scary. Terrifying. But do it.
Get help. Get out. It may seem like the hardest thing you will ever do. But do it. Get out.
If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, fear, don't go through it alone. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, to tell what you are afraid of. Do it.
I didn't do it. And things could have been so much easier if only I had. I could have had support throughout my pregnancy.
If you come to a point where you feel like you can't go on get help call a relative , a friend , your doctor , the hospital , an ambulance. Call someone get help.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Things can get better!
I went through the absolute worst year of my life. I hit rock bottom. I wanted to end it. I struggled with a pregnancy I couldn't connect to.
But now we are stronger and happier.
Life throws crap at us but I know I can deal with it. I know I can ask for help.
I got out.
If I'd asked for help sooner it would have been easier.
Never be afraid to ask for help.